Tired and Alone

from http://stillarriving.blogspot.com/ - a blog about living as a young hiv positive male

Alright well I am sure you are waiting for the updates I promised you on Monday. Here they are. My viral load fell from 44,000 to 6,000 (ish) that is awesome news! On the other hand my CD4 count also fell and is holding in the low 500’s. Hopefully we will see them continue to improve over the next few months. I have to go on blood pressure medication as well. My BP was 158/90.

In Orthopedic news they are treating me for a shin splint. No leukemia. My doc does have me out of work for the month to make sure I have the full potential for recovery. Thanks to everyone who sent out happy thoughts.

Psychologically I am exhausted. I had a breakdown this morning. I am going to give you, my readers, a rare glimpse into something that I rarely show anyone (family and close friends included). I am going to give you my unedited feelings. I have a VERY VERY VERY small core group of friends. They are the one’s that kick my ass when it needs to be kicked, come and visit me when I am sick and call me to make sure that I am doing alright on a regular basis. In addition to that my Mom and I are very close as well. So for the life of me I cannot figure out why I feel alone. At this point I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere. A part of that has to do with my medical conditions I think. I am in my early (almost mid) 30’s and I have AIDS, high blood pressure, arthritis, chronic bronchitis, a shin splint, two time cancer survivor and I have almost no sex drive. I think it bothers me tremendously that I absolutely cannot relate to 99% of the people my age. I am truly scared. I hide that from everyone. Not because I am afraid of being weak but because I have always perceived as being the strong one. I have always been the caretaker and have always been the one saying that everything will be alright. I am to the point to where I almost don’t believe that anymore. At this point the only comfort I have is in the fact that I know while scared I don’t let that emotion control my life. Without regards to fear I feel that I do still continue on with my life as best as I can.

For the next two weeks my pill burden has shot up to 24 per day. After the two weeks is over it will go down to 23. I am tired of fighting. It seems all I have done for the last year and a half is continually fight this virus and between it and me, eventually it is going to win. It has come to the point to where I have to practically overdose on uppers some days to even get out of bed. Somewhere there is going to have to be a braking point because while a fighter I can only fight and do so much before I give out. I have very seriously considered just quitting taking my anti-AIDS meds and letting things take its natural course. If that meant I had 2 weeks or 20 years then so be it. I decided against that because while I am tired of fighting I love the very essences of life.

I wish you all could have known me prior to getting sick. I was a total riot. I ALWAYS had a bountiful supply of energy (natural not the kind you take), and I loved playing sports and walking in the park. Now only a small glimmer of who I was remains. On rare occasions when I look into the mirror I catch a glimpse of him. While not all, I have lost a lot of who I was. I would do anything to have my life and my body back. I am tired or being tired, tired of being sick, tired of being scared and certainly I am tired of feeling alone for no apparent reason.